I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
