I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
