It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
