just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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