You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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