How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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