i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
