We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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