I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
