dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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