Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
