I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
