Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
