its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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