I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
