I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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