Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
