dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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