All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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