she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
