i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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