You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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