I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
