does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
