I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
