hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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