Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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