I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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