batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
