I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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