I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
