Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
