never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
