this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
