I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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