i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
