would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
