I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
