I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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