my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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