So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
