i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
