made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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