So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
