you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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