she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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