I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
