I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize