My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
