I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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