how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
