grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
